*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.