Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
the only bumper sticker ill allow
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast