Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur