Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
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I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
The best plant holders?
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call