@torrami: Nine months from now we'll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn't Working.
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@TheWoodenslurpy: My paranoid boyfriend broke up with me. "It's not you," he said, looking around. "It's them."
@markedly: MANAGER: You're hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to-- ME: I quit
@AndrewChamings: Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level. ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.