Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan