Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.