My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
You Might Also Like
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!