Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
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[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy