@TheBoydP: Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...
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@TheMichaelRock: Recipes sound good until you realize that you don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.
@jimmy_boston: Wife: Did you get eggs? Me: pew pew Wife: Great lasers, so did you? Me: pew pew pew pew pee Wife: Why me god. Me: *barrel roll* pew pew
@Thynebear: Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he's driving them crazy? Me as a principal: Maybe
@QwertyJones3: You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day UPS GUY: Just sign for the package