*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Friends that check up on you >
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order