“Ninja please” -Japanese people
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
🤣🤣🤣
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*