Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
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[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
that colleague who touches your screen
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.