No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
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I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Me irl
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
how high up are we talkin’?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy