no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
You Might Also Like
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them