@brunopieroni: No Amazon, I don't want to sort stuff by "Price: High to Low," who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
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@Reverend_Scott: [1st day as police officer] PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET'S ROLL! ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
@Tmoney68: Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said "We do our business in your mouth" and I haven't stopped laughing.
@chrisrockoz: You only live once, so don't forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.
@JayCee302: Me: "I really like this car" Salesman: "Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!" Me: "Eh, what else ya got?"