No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
starting a garage orchestra
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
any last words?
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.