“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
what’s really going on
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup