No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Don’t touch that.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh