No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
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Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Duck typos.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.