No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
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[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.