No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
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I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.