I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
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Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.