No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
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“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Anyone really
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
listen closely
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive