[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
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Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby