if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
a god among men
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”