landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
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Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.