Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
You Might Also Like
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.