No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
the composer
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children