@WhatevaConc: No Brett, I didn't even read that email. I'm not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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@TheBeerGuy73: Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.
@shutupmikeginn: You gotta give it up to whoever invented mistletoe at Christmas, all they did was hang up a weed, but were like, "now ye must kiss me."
@MartaEffing: [1st day in heaven] God: Welcome! Have a taco and a shot of tequila. Do you like music? Me: Yeah. G: How about a little, *giggles* Nirvana?