No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
My god she’s good.