No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
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I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
If I ignore life will it go away?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Happy thanksgiving!
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.