No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?