A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Spa day..😅
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”