[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
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Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Breaking news:
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene