ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
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no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
That time Alicia messaged me
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.