I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
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Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
scares
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
i did the math
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?