Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?