Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
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Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.