Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much