the #horror is real!
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Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’d … I’d rather not.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?