The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Good advice.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly