No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
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A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy