My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
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[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.