@fart: no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won't get my genitals dirty and i won't have to wash my hands after. duh
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@fluffysuse: My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don't need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
@mynameisntdave: ME: honey, it's really muggy out today WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
@ThePocketJustin: Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
@aliterative: If you love someone, let them go. If they don't come back, detonate the explosive collar.