me the second it drops below 70 degrees
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Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I need better friends
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
“I FIXED IT!”
❤️🦆
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.