No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
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Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?