Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
You Might Also Like
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.