PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Rambo Rambow
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me