No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Nice try Hitler
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers