No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.