being a writer on Twitter:
You Might Also Like
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG