[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
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If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Very problematic
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha